I want to thank you all for the prayers leading up to the last cycle, during it, and when it failed. We both appreciate it so much, and could feel it daily.
After our cycle was confirmed negative, I still had to work that day. I drove to work, sobbing and yelling at God the whole way (luckily, it's a 30 minute drive). I had to go to work and hold myself together until 2:30pm. I then walked directly out of the building, into the car, and proceeded to start the sobbing again right there in the parking lot. I was a mess. I took that day to feel sorry for myself and mope around the house, spending most of that time doing the "ugly cry" at the drop of a hat.
Honestly, I just don't understand. I don't understand why God would have us go through all of this, for 6 years, and still choose not to give us a baby. I don't know why He had us go through the process of embryo adoption, to adopt embryos that would otherwise be discarded, only to destroy them ourselves after months of emotional and financial roller coasters. Why even have us go through this? I just don't understand Him at all. I have heard over and over that "everything he does is right" and "He has a plan"....those are great things to say...but mean nothing when you're in the middle of the stink part of his plan.
In the past, I have had some issues with starting to become bitter about this, and thinking that it's not fair that we have to go through all this, when other people who don't need to be having kids at all (in my opinion) can pop them out right and left. Over the course of our trying for the last 6 years, we have had a couple of very early losses. Over the last couple of years, I found myself angry with God, that he would give us what we had been praying for, only to take it away again.
Well, this time feel different. While I did take Friday to mope and mourn, I refused to allow myself to dwell on the heartache and unfairness of the situation. With the help of some amazing friends that God has given us, Chad and I kept ourselves distracted all weekend, and trying to think positively.
On Tuesday, I called the fertility center to set up my post IVF consult, and to be placed back on the waiting list for embryos. When the embryologist called back to confirm putting us on the waiting list, I felt a renewed hope and peace, which confirmed to me that this is still what God has for us right now. We are currently number 11 on the waiting list, so it will be quite a while. When we were put on the waiting list last year, we were number 4 or 5, and it took 6 months to be matched. So now we wait again. Wait for our medical expense card to start over on Jan 1st, and wait for an embryo match.
We may never understand what God is doing, and why what he is doing seems so unfair. But we are not giving up, and we are not letting ourselves be bitter and angry.
Again, we really appreciate all of your prayers, and would appreciate them still now, as we try to wait patiently for our turn.
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ReplyDeleteSorry - I didn't mean to delete the first one...What I wanted to post was this: "Yay - So glad to hear that you're going to try again and that I can continue to follow your journey via the blogosphere! :)"
ReplyDeletehi erin,
ReplyDeletei asked you the other day for more info on embryo donation, so i know you don't really know me, but i feel compelled to comment. i too felt the same way you do - after 7 years, my husband and i had many many failed attempts at pregnancy and i had no clue why God was "punishing" me. i felt extremely negative and bitter and angry. it just wasn't fair that everyone and anyone was pregnant but me, especially since i felt always did what God asked of me. i felt like giving up on Him forever. but...one year later i was holding a beautiful baby boy we adopted through traditional adoption. i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he was the baby meant for us, meant to be in our family. God had a plan, i just couldn't see it at the time. hang in there. count your blessings, try to stay positive - God is listening, He is there, and He does have something in mind for you. i know it.
karen
Thank you for your honesty in sharing how you feel. I have battled with bitterness over the past 11 years and I too struggle with the "whys" of it all. Praying for you as you process this past cycle and wait for your next one.
ReplyDeleteI understand to a point about how you are feeling. Yes I was able to have a baby, but God is trying to take my baby away from me as well. I also keep thinking about all the people in the world who are able to have beautiful healthy babies when they shouldn't be having them at all. We just wanted a healthy baby to love and take care of. But that's not what we got. I don't understand his reasoning either for what he is putting us through, what did we do that was so wrong? It doesn't seem to make sence that he gives children to people who don't know how to be a parent and he doesn't give babies to the ones that are willing and ready for a baby. I will be praying for you guys and hope that you will eventually have the beautiful baby that you deserve.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are back in the saddle! Can't wait to see your BFP one day. Do you mind me asking what stage your embies were in when transferred? Hugs and prayers!
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking about you alot, and still praying for you guys. I am so sorry that you have to wait longer, but I am trusting with you that God will not forsake you - but He will perfect that which concerneth you!
ReplyDeleteI pray that you have a peace that passes all understanding during this season of waiting.
Aw, EJ, I just came over to check and you only to find that your FET didn't work. I'm so sorry. The "whys" are so hard because we just can't begin to imagine a valid reason. And because it's not fair. And because it should have been your turn. Whatever the reason, I hope that when you make it to the top of the list, everything will go perfectly and you'll end up with the baby God intends you to have. Thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteIt has been a while since you posted this, and i just now found your site, and this post. So first of all, I hope you have found Hope and Peace that only God can give. I know how empty encouraging words can seem when you are in the middle of infertility; and 1 failed attempt after another. My husband and I have been foster parents for 12 years. We started doing foster care because of our infertility and my desire to be a mom. That was part of God's plan for our lives. I don't understand why God chooses to let people have children only to abuse or neglect them; then allow people who serve Him and desperately want children to struggle with infertility or have children with life threatening illness. But I can say this: At this point in my life, I can THANK God for my infertility. Because I have been the foster parent to 29 children whom I have loved and enjoyed parenting for the time I had them. Most of all, if it were not for my infertility; I would not have my children. It's funny the inabiity to have children... gave me "my" children; the children God handpicked for me. Why did he let 2 of them be born to birth mother's who didn't take care of them in the womb; and the other 2 to be frozen in an infertility clinic before I got to carry them in my womb?? I don't know. I won't know until I get to Heaven. But I have been where you are now. I have screamed at God, I have cried for days on end, I have BEGGED God to hear my prayers and let me have a child. And there probably isn't anything anyone could have said to me during that time to make me feel better. But now... looking back, I can see how it really was what God meant for me; and in the end, He gave me MY children that I prayed for. I don't know why God does things the way He does; and I will never understand why He let His only son be tortured and killed for my sin. But in the end; He sees the whole picture... and we don't. I have a baby in my foster home now, that my heart is 100% attached to; and I don't know what his fate is... he may get to be adopted - by us or someone else... or he may go home to a home that will not be safe for him. All I can do is pray; and know that no matter what happens; God loves me, and God loves this baby; and even if "I" can't see the whole picture; He does. And His will is perfect. I am truly sorry that your FET didn't give you the child you so desperately want!!! But you will see that child some day; and I bet he/she will thank you for giving him a warm, loving home to live in for however short a time it was... for your love, for your greiving over his loss, for all you did for him. Even when our hope and faith fails; God's love prevails.
ReplyDeleteDear Heavenly Father, I pray that if it is your will, that you will give this couple their child/children soon. And I pray that during their waiting time, they will find strength, courage, and peace in You and Your Love!
Check out the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller
and
"Surrender" by Barlow Girl... if you want, you can read more about my infertility story at www.tears4joyadoption.blogspot.com the first post is our story with the words to "surrender" in the background.
Long post, i know... and believe me; I am NOT trying to be superspiritual. I just know that God loves you, even when it doesn't "feel" like it... and He has a plan for you, even when it seems the end will never come.
Hugs!
Shauna